Orochimaru's Dairy
by DemiGoddess007
Summary: Ever wondered why Orochimaru really wamted Sasuke's body? Why is Orochimaru preserving Kabuto without the curse mark? And what is the deal with all the hickeys?


Orochimaru's Diary

Chapter 1: Gender Confusion

I own nothing peoples…..I haven't posted a story on this site for a year, so this feels good! On with the hilarious story!

And, I'm not crazy…the plot is though….Like I said, I own nothing except for the plot…Every character and song is rightfully due to their respective owners…NO FLAMES!

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_Entry I : Gender Confusion_

(( Enter Orochimaru's P.O.V.))

Dear Diary,

I sit here on my pink fluffy bed lying butt-naked on my nicely-designed white rabbit blanket. I gently smiled, looking up to my flat-screened TV that's attached to my ceiling. I look to my right to my rapid growth machine, feeling the need that I need to 'grow'….I wonder to myself; should I grow or should I shrink myself. I need to go visit Kabuto today; I'm feeling really horny right now…But if I tell Kabuto I want a blow job, he'll deny me!!!!!!!! Damn, damn, damn!!!!!!!!!

-- I need to go take a shower…..

(( End Orochimaru's P.O.V.))

After Orochimaru placed his orange book that had white and gold fur attached to it. He grabs a radio and goes into the shower. But before he goes into the shower, he places a picture of Kabuto on the shower wall and goes to the sink. His golden eyes spotted his facial wash as he grabbed the bottle and spread the black cream over his face. "I need to get out the wrinkles in my face to impress Kabuto! I want to be as beautiful as Tsuchi Kin, but as STUNNING and AGGRESSIVE as Anko!!!!! I want him to look at me and give me some lovin'!!!!!! Wooo…..!!!!" Orochimaru cried out to himself.

The black cream was smothered on the snake man's face as he used a rainbow scrunchie to place his long black hair in a high ponytail. He also grabbed five curlers and curled his hair up. The old man grabbed the "Herbal Essence" soap bar and went to the shower. The radio plays "Chicken Noodle Soup" as Orochimaru begins to do the robot. A few minutes later, the song "Salt Shaker" played as the old man grabbed the portrait of Kabuto and waved his ass in front of it. Another song came on and it was "Pump It Up" . Orochimaru started to break-dance in the shower. Some commercials came on as the snake man began to hump the picture of Kabuto.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!" the old man cried as he gave himself a seizure. After taking a 6-hour shower, day has turned into night as Orochimaru got dressed.

(( Enter Orochimaru's POV))

I grabbed a tissue roll and took some tissue out of the roll and rolled the paper up into large balls. I put a pair of fishnet panty-hose on and a silk blue-bra. I tucked the tissue into the bra cups and moved my fake bosoms from left to right, right to left with a grin on my face. I took out the rollers in my hair as I gelled the loose strands of hair to my forehead. I used my regular dangling earrings on my ears as I placed a pair of black high-heeld boots with black fur around the rims. I placed my rapid growth machine, some bottles of Viagra, lubrication, and 12 condoms. Muahaha!!!!!!!

I also bought my sword, an axe, a hammer, steel chains, and a guide to "How to Control and Fuck Your Man" by Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf…! This is going to be sooooo much fun…!

(( End Orochimaru's POV))

As Orochimaru finishes, he walks out of his castle (I know Orochimaru is in the Sound Village, but he has a castle for the hell of it…) and starts to vigorously sashae to Kabuto's house. "I make sure my behind sways from left to right in order to attract other men….I know I am a guy myself, but I could care less….I'm better this way!!!!! I know I'm more attractive as to _not _get a gender change….Plus things are better this way!!!!!!" the old man said out loud to himself.

Orochimaru twirled himself around twice as he held his radio and played "Stayin' Alive". He started to do the shake as Gai-sensei comes in out of nowhere and starts to dance with him. "Get the hell outta m'face you youthful bastard!!!!" and with that, he used a hammer and knocked the crazy Jounin out. "I am glad to be a psychopath…or I should say, a sexy gender-flipping sexy psychopath!!!! HAHAHA!!!!! On to Kabuto's house I go!!!!!!"

Stay tuned for Chapter 2:

At Kabuto's House and On the Streets of Konoha


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